Have you ever had someone tell you that you need to be something other than yourself? Or, have you changed who you are to make someone else happy? This has happened to me on a few occasions, and it didn't make my life all that better.

There was a time a while ago that I thought that in order to make other people happy I had to change the way I was, change my whole personality, just to make someone happy or so that someone would like me. This wasn't good for me. I had no set in stone personality, and because I was changing my personality from person to person, it taxed my mental state like crazy.

After a while, my mental state couldn’t take it anymore. I broke. And, I turned into a mean and nasty person. I would be rude to people just to be rude. And that went on for almost a year, until I got pulled out of it by my friends. After that, I tried hard to make it up to the people I had hurt for so long. But, as usual, I decided that I wasn't going to be myself, instead I would do everything in my power to make others happy. It got to a point where I would put other people’s health above my own, and my mental health decreased again. After trying and trying, again I broke, but this time worse than ever.

Normally, when this happens, I just keep to myself and not make any mention of the fact that I was getting depressed. I would hide it. I didn't want people to see that I was having a hard time, and doing that did nothing but make my life worse. It got to a point where I was tired of myself. I hated the person I had become. People still didn't like me for the times I was rude in the past. I was overwhelming myself by putting other people's health above mine. But, above all I still didn’t know who I was.

It was during November. I was so low that I did something I would forever have to live with. I first did everything I could to burn my friendships. I made people mad again so I would prove to myself that no one liked me. Then I went home, pulled out a notepad and made notes. I told people it was not their fault. I planned to leave my brother (who was very much into Pokemon) my card collection. I planned to give my best friend the only thing of value, my guitar, because for the last few weeks I had been trying to teach her how to play. Lastly, I gave the only thing I could give my parents: a somewhat tidy room, because they were always telling me it needed to be cleaned. And then I sat. In the worst place I could be. My own thoughts. And what happened next surprised me. I sat there and cried. I had not cried for as long as I could remember, but yet I did. And, I did for hours. My plan was to end my life, to stop feeling like a burden on my family and friends. Fortunately, I am still here, and I can make it better.

If there is one thing that I could tell people about this experience is that you should be yourself. After all that had happened, I came back to school to find that my friends still cared, my family still loved me, and that I needed to stop focusing on others and start focusing on myself. I am me. I am a funny, loud, caring, crazy and sometimes annoying person. I am athletic, sometimes a bit snappy with people, but a friendly person. It's who I am. And, it is my identity. And I cannot express that each and everyone reading this is your own person. Be you.

© Tommy. All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.