Many people point back to their childhood as the best time in their lives, the time when they are happy and carefree. But that couldn’t have been further from the truth for me. Don’t get me wrong, I had an amazing family who loved me very much, and we had enough money to buy me anything I could want, yet I was still unhappy. Even from a young age, I was good at hiding my emotions, I could be on the verge of breaking apart and nobody would know. I did this in order to protect others. I didn’t want other people to be overwhelmed by my problems, but that left me feeling overwhelmed with nobody to help me. Even when people attempted to reach out to me, I shut down. Talking about my problems made me feel worse as I convinced myself it was something to be ashamed of. I would imagine people saying awful things to me, which only increased my anxiety and led to more problems.

As I got older, I began to struggle with more problems. When I was just 6, I began to have suicidal thoughts, which were only made worse by my imagination. I truly believed the world would be better off if I were dead. Despite all of this, I still did not go to my parents to tell them. Even though in my head, they hated me, I knew how awful they would feel if they knew and I didn’t want to do that to them. These thoughts only got worse as I grew older. There would be months that I would go without thinking these thoughts, but they would always come back stronger. Despite all this, I knew I could never kill myself. I was miserable, but I still had a will to live. There were many times I would try to by holding my breath as I had a fear of pain, but I would alway panic and begin to breathe again. It was like I was about to break.

My fragile mental state led me to befriend all of the wrong people. I have been friends with people who have hurt me both physically and mentally, and as you can imagine, that made my mental health issues worse. I remember one of my early toxic friendships. I was in second grade, and one of my classmates who I had met a year prior had become obsessed with me. She was jealous and manipulative. If she saw me hanging out with any of my other friends, she would get so angry and make me feel badly for hanging out with other people. When I was finally ready to stand up for myself, I brought all of this up to a mutual friend who then told my manipulative friend who I was later forced to apologize to. This was just one of the many toxic friendships I went through, and the worst part was, when I brought this up to a teacher, she dismissed my feelings, highlighting what I already believed, that others' needs should come before mine.

The next year I switched schools. I began to surround myself with better people. Slowly, but surely, my mental health began to improve. My anxiety lessened, my suicidal thoughts went away, and I stopped imaganing people saying negative things about me. I also developed coping mechanisms so if or when they came back, I would be prepared. One of these coping mechanisms is imagining a conversation with a trusted person in my head so that I can work through my feelings without upsetting myself more by talking to other people about my struggles. It is a good way to increase self-awareness and confidence.  So let this be a lesson to you. Things can get better with time but it is also important to react out for help.

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