Ever since I was younger, I found myself worrying an unusual amount compared to the other children I knew. I felt guilty over things that weren’t my fault, I worried and panicked over things I couldn’t control, and I hyper-fixated on others’ perspectives of me (which wasn’t as common among my young peers as it is now). As I continued to grow older, these feelings progressed.

One of my earliest memories of this was in the eighth grade. I distinctly remember this one particular class that I grew to despise. It wasn’t about the course itself, but more about the teacher. The teacher scared me so much that every time I walked into class I began to sweat. I recall that almost every day, when I sat at my desk, my hands began to shake rapidly. They would bounce up and down on the table so quickly that it was hard for me to ignore. Back then, I wasn’t as familiar with the sensation of trembling; this would lead me to panic. I would try and resist the urge to shake by holding down my hands. The panic produced tears in my eyes. This would happen for days on end, on many different occasions.

Continuing throughout my life, school became a large source of my worries. I was obsessive over my grades; I felt like I needed to be perfect, like if I weren’t, people would think differently of me. If I weren’t in the most advanced class, I wouldn’t be good enough. Back then, a grade drop as little as a B would send me into a state of panic. I would cry and feel as though I were stupid or lacking. I would hurriedly fix the grade or do extra credit to get right back to that perfect 100%. Failure felt like it could never be an option for me. Looking back on this now feels silly, or even ignorant of me, but in the moment, it felt significant.

Though these previous occasions may feel foolish or insignificant, my anxiety later caused me to have one of the biggest shifts in my life. For almost my entire life, my passion was dancing. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of being a beautiful ballerina under the spotlight. I would practice at my dance studio for countless hours. Despite this passion, I was struggling to balance both dance and school in my schedule. My perfectionist tendencies in my schoolwork began to influence my attitude about dance classes. In dance, I started to feel as if I had to be perfect; if I messed up one move, I would beat myself up over it. I didn’t want others to think I was a poor dancer or that I wasn’t talented enough to be in my group. I was afraid to fail. In addition to this, I grew to have serious stage fright. For a dancer this was a powerful and obvious obstacle. The night before competitions I would often have anxiety attacks. I was fearful of performing and letting my group down. I once even freaked out and ran off at a recital. In the end, my worries and anxiety led me to make one of the most regrettable decisions I've made: quitting dance and giving up on my passion.

Over the years of struggling with my thoughts, I sought therapy, and now I tell people about things that are bothering me. Though I still struggle with anxiety today, I've found ways to cope with it efficiently and reduce the amount of stress I experience. Overall, I have learned never to let my anxiety consume me and dictate my actions, and that sometimes failure is okay. One of my strategies for this is to get out of my comfort zone and push myself to try challenging things, including sharing this story.

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