Have you ever felt hopeless or have you ever felt like nothing mattered? Well, that’s how I feel. Depression for me was being very angry, having an attitude, very irritable, very hopeless all the time. and crying all the time which was very hard for me because I was having school every day. Every assignment was just another hard thing or like a hit to me because I was so low that I felt like I could do nothing. The easiest assignment was the hardest thing for me to do. I started failing all my classes in 2 months.

The first time I experienced depression was at a whopping 8 years old. My parents had just divorced, and I had started feeling like nothing mattered; like I should just give up on life. At the time of my parents divorce, I was not there. I was at my friend’s house. Then, my friend came and told me: “Your parents are breaking up and my mom told me to not tell you.” Which, of course, I didn't believe. So I went on about my day. Then my mom showed up and she said to me: “Leilani, me and your dad are breaking up.” I couldn't believe it. My whole world crashed. I had lost myself and I knew it.

As I grew up, no one believed I was depressed because I was “faking” or “too young for depression.” People would often tell me that I could have it worse and that I’m making it worse then it has to be. So I started keeping it in; not talking about how I felt. At that point, I felt like I had no one to turn to. Every one of my friends would say: “You’re a liar," or something along those lines. At that time my mom would go out and drink with her friends every night, so I couldn’t talk to her. My dad at the time was dealing with a deep depression too.

At the age of 14 I had a very bad depressive episode. I was very distant. I had to start going to therapy because I was distancing myself and was getting very bad. It would affect my friendships and just overall I had a bad mental state and I felt very fatigued and irritable.

While in this episode, I felt like nothing mattered and just didn't care about anything.

After all of this, I found out that I’m bipolar and also have depression. But after 2 years of therapy, I started talking about my feelings and overtime I learned coping skills to manage it. Like deep breathing, or calling my friends. So that is how I managed my depression.

It changed me by showing that I can get through hard stuff even when it feels impossible. Since then I have been able to feel better because therapy and my coping skills have really helped plus my family has been there more.

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