Before the woman I called my mom passed away, I would just lock myself away in the house, afraid that if I wasn't there, something would happen and she would need help. I would try to stay home as much as I could so I could be there for her if she needed me. I developed a fear of leaving, of going outside. I left the house maybe once a week or once every two weeks. I felt every time I went outside or went with a friend on a short getaway, something would happen. Every time I spent the night somewhere, she would end up in the hospital again. It felt like somehow everything was my fault; every time she ended up back in the hospital, it was my fault for leaving the house. Every time she improved, and I thought it was okay to leave, she would get worse again. I started blaming myself for everything and began to shut my friends out one by one until I was left with only a few people I talked to.

After she passed, I got back outside again, which made me feel guilty, guilty for feeling happy, guilty for feeling. But I kept having myself go out. Even now, I still feel guilty for staying home and not living for her and not living up to being a part of her family. Sometimes my house doesn´t even feel like my home without her there, without her waiting in the living room for me to get home from school. Now I try to take every chance I can to get out of the house because it feels empty without her there; even when it's full of friends or other family members, it feels like it's missing a part of it.

Now I’ve come to understand that even in her absence, it’s perfectly okay to feel guilty; it’s just a part of grief. And everyone grieves in their own way. I just grieve by shutting myself out, and it's definitely not the healthiest or smartest way to grieve, but it's just how I am. With my friends, family, and boyfriend all supporting me, I feel better about doing new things and going farther and farther every day. So whenever I'm feeling guilty about anything, whether it's feeling guilty going in or outside, or just for living without her, I know that there are people around me that are there for me and care for me.

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