My story begins as far back as I can remember, which is only to my early teens (yes, I know, terrible memory). At that time, I was quite a different person than I am now. I was loud, energetic, talkative, happy, all those sorts of things. As I got older, I became more and more reserved and less able to talk to people. I realized that a major reason was because of how a family member had treated me. They were someone who always should have been there for me, supporting me with loving words and actions, but instead they showed me cruelty and it changed me in powerful ways. “What happened?” you’re probably asking. Well, they said hateful things, words and phrases that you should never say to someone you are supposed to love. These things were repeated numerous times. As you can imagine, it really hurts when someone who is supposed to care about you says horrible words. They would apologize, but it kept happening, so I stopped believing they were sorry, and I started to internalize what they were saying. You could say I had trust issues.

Where I used to jump right in and talk to people, I now wait until they start the conversation. Where I was open and had many friends, I became closed off and ended up pushing people away. I was energetic and happy; now I feel less of myself. I still have the drive to try new things, but I usually end up not doing them because I don’t think I will be any good. I try not to do these things or talk to people so much because when I do something “wrong,” I beat myself up over it. It could be as simple as saying a joke that didn’t land and I’ll be thinking, “They definitely thought that was dumb and that means I’m dumb and they’re judging me now,” when they probably forgot it even happened and I’m still thinking about it years down the road.

However, I still love talking to people, but only when others start the conversation. I have trouble starting conversations because I always think people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I like people. My favorite thing to do is talk. The way different people have different ways of saying things is interesting to me. I just wish I had more confidence to start conversations instead of expecting others to start them. I guess my point is not all quiet people want to be left alone. I never really liked the quote “It’s ok to not be ok” because that would make you ok with what you’re feeling and not seek help (at least it did with me). I held my struggle in, and it made me feel horrible every day. I felt that no one knew how to help because they couldn’t understand what I was feeling.

I then met a girl (who became my girlfriend) who cared about me. She said I was smart, that I did matter, and that I had a major place in her life. She was the first person I trusted in a long time. It was a long-distance relationship which made communicating difficult. Unfortunately, the issues with the family member worsened when they found out about the girl and I communicating. My girlfriend was worried about me. She wanted to relieve the stressful situation I was in and, ultimately, said it would be better if we weren’t together anymore. I was destroyed. The only person who I thought cared about me had left, even if they were trying to protect me. I now realize that if I found one person who cared about me, then there must be more people who do and will. Maybe they don’t have to care about me, just appreciate my presence. I just need to start talking to more people.

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