I’ve always felt like there was a stranger living in my home. Never distant enough to feel like he was out of reach, but not close enough for me to feel comfortable to reach out to. A stranger everyone knew, but me. Oftentimes, we would go days without speaking; the streak would only break for small interactions. In a way, I found comfort in the familiarity of our relationship, even as flawed as it was because it was uniquely ours. It is a cycle that I’m accustomed to and I’m not sure if changing it will improve the situation. My brother is someone I should have a close bond with, yet this closeness is elusive.

My brother shut me out. My memories of him feel like I was on the outside looking in on our relationship. He opted to be a distant person. The memories that I do have are hardly attached to any positive emotions. I am the youngest of four. He is the oldest of four. In a way, the familial positions led to our odd relationship that a nine-year age gap never helped to improve. I grew up in an era of his life when he was always grumpy, snapping easily, avoiding conversations, and just being rude. However, I always looked to him for validation and answers. Yet, I’m a teenager now, the same age when he began to push me further away, and I can empathize with my brother. I understand this stage in life is difficult, and people are bound to get hurt, may that be intentionally, or not, but this doesn’t justify the treatment I received.

It must run in the family. My oldest sister acted similarly at that age, the difference being she put in the effort to fix our flawed relationship as we got older. Through her, I've been able to understand that relationships can be restored, so what is stopping my brother? He’s had time, and others have reminded him to make that change, but I feel like he never cared enough to do so. The times I attempted to make that connection, it felt like all I won were false attachments, something that after some time, I would reject. As much as I want a good relationship, I don’t. It’s uncomfortable knowing that I try so hard to be disappointed. If he had just told me what he was going through then, I feel like I would’ve immediately forgiven him because to me, it's easier to let go of the issue than to actually face it.

Although we have had a fraught relationship, he has made me a better person. Many of our good memories come from recent times, moments when laughter was abundant. They were times when I was able to feel like everything was better. Even if I don’t say it often, my brother is someone that I'm very proud of because he is incredibly smart, mature, and admirable. He is a person I can genuinely connect with. However, I've had to admire him from afar. I’m never really given the chance to learn from him directly, so I hold on to what I obtain from a distance. He has always encouraged me to do better than he did at my age and reminds me of my own strengths when I feel weak. I’ve learned that I want to present myself as a smart, mature, and admirable person just like him, while also being a person who is able to prevent others from experiencing the hurt he caused me. No matter how much I choose to admit it, the “stranger” I know is never too far out of reach.

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