I am a human ladder, with steps extending outward into the unknown abyss. An infinite climb originates from my loving and tattered heart. Memories escape me, and many details from my childhood are absent. Reading, attending school, and playing outdoors are a few of the memories that are clear in my mind. At nine years old, I experienced a vivid memory that would eternally lie within the net of my consciousness. One night, my mother cooked dinner for my sister and me while my father prepared for their night out as a couple. The following morning, the sun’s yellow hues bounced off the walls while my mother’s warm touch comforted my skin. A screech followed by a loud slam ultimately broke the silence as my father descended the stairs.

My mother’s dog lay lifelessly on the floor before he ran away visibly in pain. Blinded in his rage, my father targeted things my mother loved. I tried to make out stifled cries while accusations rang of infidelity from the night before. Sounds of plates shattering filled the house, causing my sister and me to run from our room. The words "I'm leaving" echoed through the house. Before I could fully comprehend the situation, my father's voice summoned us downstairs to find my mother. He pounded on my aunt’s door as my sister and I innocently stood beside him on the pavement. He kicked down the door, exposing my mother and aunt. Despite my aunt's attempts to bring us to safety, we were caught in my father's grip in a twisted game of tug-of-war. Control slipped through his fingers, and he refused to let us go. Fearing the repercussions, my mother accompanied us back home. The weight of her decision hung heavy in the air as we returned to the place we previously called home, now tainted by fear.

That day, I discovered my sole purpose: to fulfill my father's desires. When we returned from my aunt’s house, my father left for work, while my mother bought us a hotel room. As I settled into the room, my heart rate slowed, the tension in my body eased, and my fingernails ceased their grip on my arm. Hours later, he apologized to my mother, but I couldn't find it in me to forgive him yet. Conflicting emotions clouded my thoughts. Should I forgive him because I loved him despite his actions? I became the foundation of my dad’s ladder, fulfilling his needs through my sacrifices. He shattered my heart time and time again, expecting me to heal it for use once more.

Eight years later, I found myself stuck in a toxic cycle, still struggling with the darkness that had haunted me since then. I adopted the needs of those around me as my own, hoping to fill my deep void.

Like a human ladder, I could only withstand so much weight my dad and others placed upon me. The strain and instability became overwhelming. I felt pressured to forgive him simply because he was my father. After all, he and my mother were crucial in bringing me into existence. I am their blood and their flesh. This bond is irreversible, and I cannot undo it. I experienced a sense of confusion as my individuality faded away within the towering ladder I embodied. I failed to understand my true purpose.

Breaking the cycle was my responsibility; no one else could do it for me. I began focusing my energy inward, prioritizing myself, and gaining control over my emotions. It was empowering to realize this was within my control, just as he wielded power over me. With this realization, I no longer felt consumed by fear and worry as I began nurturing my growth. I'm destroying the ladder created for the benefit of others, replacing it with a simple step stool for myself.

© Aubrey Marie . All rights reserved. If you are interested in quoting this story, contact the national team and we can put you in touch with the author’s teacher.